I was at a party last week where a friend introduced me to someone as “Jenny. You know…She’s the one who writes about how we need to eat dinner with our families every night.” This is the point when I sort of look at the ground and try to kick an imaginary stubborn rock out of the dirt. “Uh, nice to meet you,” I cough up to my poor new aquaintance, who, for all I know, has a job with completely inflexible hours and a spouse who works the night shift and who, for all the family dinner desire in the world, would not be able to make a nightly meal happen with any kind of regularity.
I know this person introducing me doesn’t deconstruct these things the way I do, and I know this person is proud of what I do and in a million years wouldn’t mean to make anyone feel bad about their dinner situation, but here’s the thing: I have never once said on my blog or in my book that you need to eat dinner with your family every night. And, as long as I’m on the topic, I have never once “emphasized my strong belief that the family that eats together stays together,” as one book reviewer recently wrote in round-up of the year’s cookbooks. Who am I to say you need do anything with your family?
It’s so hard not to sound like a sanctimonious finger-wagger when you write about anything under the parenting umbrella, but I would like to just take a minute today to emphasize my strong belief that family dinner has been a huge and meaningful ritual in my life — and that I, personally, need to eat dinner with my kids as often as possible because we depend on it for our home’s sanity and well-being – but I never mean to infer that this is the one-size-fits-all solution to ensuring connectedness and togetherness in a family. Or, that, conversely if you don’t eat with your kids every night you might as well kiss your kids’ emotional health, their college degrees and their futures goodbye. (In my opinion, there are already enough studies out there shaming us at every turn.) A friend was just telling me how she, her husband and two teenage sons barely see each other during the week, but always converge and recharge on the weekend. “The weekend is family time and it’s non-negotiable,” she said. Another friend, Sara, a mother of three, who grew up in a family that skied every weekend, and who still today is a major badass on the slopes, told me that those winter trips were when the bonding happened. In her words: “We always got it done on the chairlift.”
We get it done at the dinner table — and for those of you out there who agree with me and feel as though this is the logical place to get it done, or might be the most logical place for you to get it done or even every now and then might be the place to get it done….well, then, by all means, stop by for some inspiration. But if you’re just in it for a tasty grilled hoisin burger recipe that I’m hoping your family will love next time you all sit down together? I’m not going to stop you or tell you need to do anything more. That part is up to you.
Poison Burgers
“Daddy, did you just say we’re having poison burgers tonight?
“Hoisin burgers, Abby. Hoisin burgers.”
1 lb ground turkey or chicken
juice from 1/2 lime
1 tablespoon chopped scallions
1 tablespoon fresh ginger, minced
1 tablespoon chinese 5-spice
1/4 teaspoon cayenne
2 tablespoons hoisin sauce
1 tablespoon cilantro, chopped finely
salt and pepper
Mix the above ingredients, shape into patties, and grill over hot coals, flipping frequently for a total of 10-12 minutes, until firm but not rock hard. Serve on buns with extra hoisin sauce. Hoisin is available in better supermarkets and Asian specialty stores.
Also: If you replace the ground turkey/chicken with ground pork (in Abby’s words): “It’s not like it’s going to be bad.”
42 responses so far ↓
1 Oldman // May 7, 2012 at 10:51 am
Your Poison Burgers look great.
Family dinner has always been important to me. It started with my parents as we ALWAYS ate a family dinner with each person telling about their day. I continued that on with my children adding a family devotions and reading time after the meal…. Chronicles of Narnia, Wrinkle in Time, etc…
My children have carried it on with their children…my grandchildren.
2 Sheri // May 7, 2012 at 11:06 am
I think it’s really true that it’s easy to sound like you’re wagging your finger when you talk about parenting. Just because something works for my family doesn’t mean it works for everyone’s. I think it’s an important lesson to remember. Thanks for that and for the poison burger which looks delicious!
3 Jamie // May 7, 2012 at 11:28 am
Our family is just me and my fantastic seven year old girl, who I adopted as a single mom. And our two cats. We eat just about every single breakfast and dinner together, side by side at the kitchen counter, It’s cozy there, and besides the dining table is usually covered in art projects, but in addition to chatting, listening to music or reading to her, we also sit silently sometimes and read our own books at the counter. I am hoping, wishing, that this still “counts” on some level being together and getting it done. It does, right? Right? #paranoid
4 Jenny M // May 7, 2012 at 11:33 am
Love the article and the poison burger looks delicious. Maybe I’m not awake yet on a Monday (always a possibility), but I am not seeing a list of ingredients — is there a link that I have missed?
5 Jenny // May 7, 2012 at 11:35 am
Jenny M – The ingredient list is handwritten on the index card scan. Let me know if it is illegible and I will type out for you!
6 Cara // May 7, 2012 at 11:46 am
PLEASE – Wag your finger. I kneel at the alter of families who eat together, understand and relate to one another. The dinner table is the ultimate Social Network. I love that I have comrads in this battle. My kids are 1 and 3, my husband commutes from Westchester to the city. I rearrange heaven and earth, for the 4 of us to eat together.
7 Valerie // May 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Maybe it’s my browser, but I don’t see the list of ingredients, either – I’m not getting a scan of an index card.
8 Melissa@Julia's Bookbag // May 7, 2012 at 12:04 pm
Miss Jenny, for the record, I’ve NEVER felt like your blog was lecturing or finger wagging — I love how loose and supportive your ideas about family dinner are — don’t have this ingredient, maybe try this! type of attitude — if I had to pick a word to describe your blog style, it would be ‘relaxed’, which is something I’ve always really appreciated.
9 Eliza // May 7, 2012 at 12:06 pm
I don’t see ingredients, or an index card photo either
10 Jenny // May 7, 2012 at 12:14 pm
That is really bizarre that you can’t see the index card! Well, anyway, I just typed in the ingredients so those of you with oddly behaving browsers should now be all set.
11 Nancy // May 7, 2012 at 12:15 pm
Now I know what I’m doing with the pound of turkey in the freezer! Is there a spice (or spice combo) that can stand in for Chinese 5 spice?
12 Jenny M // May 7, 2012 at 12:15 pm
I don’t see an index card scan, sorry. If you could type it out, that would be great.
And my $.02 worth — family dinner has meant a LOT to this family. Our kids are 18 and 16 – our oldest is leaving for college this fall – and I treasure the times we can be together for a meal. It does matter.
13 jen // May 7, 2012 at 12:20 pm
i don’t see the index-card-list-of-ingredients either. could it be a browser issue? this isn’t an idle comment, since i LOVE hoisin and would love to have another recipe that uses it.
14 Amanda @ DinnersintheFourOneFive // May 7, 2012 at 12:22 pm
I think one of the many reasons I keep coming back to DALS is the lack of finger wagging (wasn’t that what I said to you when I sent a note of appreciation a few years ago?) Someone said above to describe this blog they’d say “Relaxed”, but my descriptive word would be “Chill.”
15 jenny M // May 7, 2012 at 12:26 pm
Ok, I just tried the page in Explorer (had been using Firefox) — I see it just fine now.
16 Susan // May 7, 2012 at 12:43 pm
My youngest had her 1st Holy Communion this weekend. I thought of you during Mass when Father Joel talked about family connectedness and how in his day his family ate dinner together every night and never gave it a thought. He commended us parents who make the time for those family connections in today’s busy world whether they be at the dinner table, at church on Sunday or anywhere else. That’s how I feel about it too. Usually, we do family dinner, but it isn’t the only point of connection for us. We also do weekend breakfasts, family game or movie nights and bike rides! Thanks for providing some inspiration for keeping my family feeling like a family.
17 Kristin // May 7, 2012 at 1:18 pm
I ditto all those saying that what I love about your blog was the lack of finger waving. This blog has helped me to figure out how to NOT feel guilty about dinner and family time. Whether it’s boxed mac and cheese with broccoli or my garlic herb lamb with roasted potatoes, no-knead bread , and green beans for Christmas dinner, it’s all OK. And that it’s not even about what kind of behavior, good or bad, that happens at the table, but just that we are there, talking, catching up and just being a family.
18 Jenny // May 7, 2012 at 6:05 pm
I agree you serve as an inspiration. I don’t feel bad or lectured to based off of what you write. My husband works late it is the way it is for his business. We find other things and times to have that family time etc. I live reading all your recipes and posts! Thank you!
19 Laura // May 7, 2012 at 9:34 pm
Thanks for the balance … everyone needs to find their own groove … and that’ll be different for each family. And the burgers sound great!
20 Amy // May 7, 2012 at 9:59 pm
Firstly, thank you very much for the ‘poison burger’ recipe – I’m sure my family will enjoy it a lot.
I must confess, I am 25 years old and still live with my parents, my sister and my brother in law. We eat dinner together at least 4 nights a week. I miss them when I dine solo on the other 3 nights. As we were growing up my sister and I ate dinner with our family every single night and it was where the bonding happened for us. We made time in our lives to catch up on everyone’s day and talk about what was happening in the world. Although it might not be possible for everyone to have dinner as a family every night, it is important to find sometime that everyone can be present.
21 Sara // May 7, 2012 at 10:34 pm
I haven’t seen your finger wag once. You are inspirational, helpful, funny, and wise….that is why I keep coming back. Oh, and the food, too.
22 Carlinne @ Cook With 2 Chicks // May 8, 2012 at 6:46 am
This recipe looks awesome! My family loves trying a new burger and my daughter prefers turkey burgers. I have a feeling Poison Burgers will become a family fave. Let me echo other comments by saying I SO appreciate your blog and it’s tone. Family dinner IS important to many families and it’s nice to have your blog supporting that effort. That importance and effort are not intended to shame anybody.
23 Amy ~ Eat. Live. Laugh. Shop. // May 8, 2012 at 9:11 am
Of course every family has their own priorities and it sound condescending to preach about your priorities, BUT I agree with you whole-heartedly! Eating dinner together is important. Talking is important and it needs to happen regularly! I know it’s not possible for everyone to do it every night. I get it. But I also honestly believe what you do in this space is quite meaningful. Some families need inspiration. Some need a kick in the pants. And some just need to see how you can deconstruct a meal to make everyone happy. Thank you for providing it all!
24 Jenny // May 8, 2012 at 10:00 am
You guys are all very nice. Thanks for the thoughtful comments. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again: DALS readers are the smartest out there!
25 michelle in montana // May 8, 2012 at 10:44 am
Oh Man!
I don’t have facebook and I missed the 121 books deal, I was out of town…
My daughter is a 6th grade teacher and has already used a load of your recommendations (sent to her by Moi) to inspire “her kids” to read! They love ya’ll and they don’t even know it!
So if there is a way for me to get my hands on that pdf…..I’m on it! Well, aside from making a facebook account, that is.
26 michelle in montana // May 8, 2012 at 10:46 am
Oh Yeah, eating meals together, as many as possible, when my kids were home was our thing for sure. Usually breakfast and dinner. And the girls still keep the tradition in their homes even though they don’t have kids yet.
AND we did it on the chair lift too! I guess we are a real together type family! hee hee! And in our bike saddles….you get it!
27 Molly // May 8, 2012 at 11:22 am
For what it’s worth, I feel the exact same way about family dinner – our nights and weeks are much better when we make it happen regularly. I will also say that I have a great friend who can never accomplish family dinner, but always accomplishes a big family breakfast. I think that works, too, and god bless her for having time in the morning! How?!?
28 Alix @ Feast Magazine // May 8, 2012 at 8:49 pm
Made the “poison burgers” last night. Delicious served sans buns and with sweet potato chips and sauteed zucchini. They scrubbed up pretty well for breakfast this morning too. Great flavours. Definitely one for my recipe notebook – thanks!
29 Healthy Living Val // May 8, 2012 at 9:49 pm
We ate dinner as a family at least 4 nights a week never realizing what a luxury it is. For a little while we even had a quiz night and while my brothers and I groaned about it we have great memories of it.
30 Andrea // May 10, 2012 at 3:00 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
31 Andrea // May 10, 2012 at 3:01 pm
I just love this post. I agree-families can only do, what they can do. The important thing is having time set aside to be together-whatever you’re doing! But, I have to admit, after 3 nights of sporadic dinners brought on by vet visits, spouse traveling, etc, I was all too happy to have everyone at the table for dinner last night. Thanks for all your writings and all the thoughts and feelings they evoke!
32 Wolfie // May 10, 2012 at 3:20 pm
Now I have a use for that bottle of hoisin sauce that spoke to me in the grocery store!
“I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?”
33 Anne-Marie // May 10, 2012 at 4:30 pm
Yummy!
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
34 Kara // May 10, 2012 at 5:11 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
35 Kerri Anne // May 10, 2012 at 8:52 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
36 Ashley // May 11, 2012 at 12:37 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
37 Sheryl // May 11, 2012 at 3:29 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?”
38 Wendy // May 12, 2012 at 5:19 pm
I read your newsletter, do I win the Jane Marvel tote?
Also, I’m trying these burgers this week!
39 Amy // May 18, 2012 at 7:24 pm
We found that the burgers fell apart on the grill, but they were still delicious. Here’s the comment my fiancee wrote:
“Burgers will fall apart. Turn them into sloppy Joes. Mmmmm….”
We finished them in a pan with extra hoisin sauce, loaded them onto the buns. yum!
40 Kem // May 23, 2012 at 7:49 am
Thank-you, Jenny for “Dinner, A Love Story”. I just discovered it and it is exactly what I need right now! It’s reminding me how worth my efforts are to serve family dinner at 4:45 or 5 p.m. to assure it happens before baseball or t-ball. It’s a scramble each night, but as I sit looking at the bouquet my kids picked minutes earlier and listen to them talk about their day, I can breathe and relax for a few moments. Your site is smart, interesting, and fun. I love your incorporation of books and am horribly disappointed to have missed 121 Books. I am always looking for more interesting books to add to our collection. With an 8, 5, and 3 year old to inspire, I am always grateful for new books I’m not familiar with. I’ll keep an eye on Facebook. Thanks for the recipes, ideas, and inspiration.
41 Shalini // Jun 25, 2012 at 12:12 pm
Our son called Hoisin sauce poison sauce for years and years, after we got Peking duck at restaurants in Chinatown. Now he’s over it, and corrects me when I call it poison sauce, like yesterday when he helped me look for it at store. These burgers look great!
42 katie // Feb 19, 2013 at 10:00 pm
I just found your website after checking your book out from the library! (which I am now going to purchase — 2 weeks was too short!:) As a fellow we-eat-together-everynighter I have to say I LOVE how you allow that there are so many ways to get it right, and this is just one way. Rare to find people so awesome at something yet so openminded. I love your website and can’t wait to read more.
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