What I’m reading this week:
What if You Just Hate to Cook Dinner? Virginia Heffernan, mother of two, poses the question “Why is food such a big part of raising children?” then proceeds to discuss the condescending language in family cookbooks, including mine. I have a fair amount I’d like to say about this essay, but for now, I’m going to do my mom proud and save it for the burn book I keep in the back of my sock drawer. I do feel the need, however, to address two things that I simply can not let pass. FIRST: The suggestion that I have ever implied, in my books or on this blog, that family dinner should fall entirely on moms. Wow. Where do I begin with this one? Maybe with the 100+ posts my husband has written for this blog, all of which address his day-to-day dinner-making for our daughters, from the post-soccer-practice scramble, to Friday-night Stromboli to his Pork Ragu recipe that people bring up with me over and over again, including, last month, someone sitting next to me on a plane who I had never met before. (People, it’s that good.) I guess I could also point to the “Family Dinner Boot Camp” series I did for Motherlode, the theme of which could be summarized as: “All in.” From the beginning, this blog has been about a return to the kitchen that involves everyone, including the kids who may or may not remember to set the table. If you find joy in making dinner, then you should make it yourself. If you need help from others, then you should include others. If others need help from you, then you should help. If you hate cooking, then dump a can of beans on toast (Andy’s post, btw), serve with some baby carrots and call it a day. There is no one way to do this – every family is different, every situation is different, and I try my best to recognize and respect that. SECOND: I believe deeply in the idea that nobody should be made to feel bad about the way he or she approaches family dinner — or whether they can pull it off at all. I do this blog because I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy helping people who want to make it happen. If my tone here ever makes anyone feel anxious or guilty or less-than, if I ever sound condescending, then I’m failing in what I’m trying to accomplish, and you guys need to let me know about it. I take this kind of criticism seriously, and I rely on you to keep me honest. Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think.
The bottom line is, you can assume I agree with Luisa and Katie.
Onward! What else:
Abby, my almost 11-year-old, is absolutely tearing through this book right now.
100 Rules of Dinner Re-posting. Just cause.
Is there anything better than when Catherine Newman “thinks out loud?”
“Inside the Biggest Ever Hedge Fund Scandal” A profile of Steven A. Cohen that reads like a John Grisham novel.
Locals: Stone Barns Center still has a few slots open in their Little Cooks and Gardener’s Program. My girls did one of these a while ago and we’ve been dining out on the buttermilk ranch dressing they learned to make there ever since.
Masterchef Junior Season 2 The DVR is already set.
Grain Bowls: I could eat like this every day.
How do you raise kids who are The Opposite of Spoiled? I intend to find out.
Cooking Fast and Slow: A conversation between Mark Bittman and Mario Batali at the 92nd St Y this Sunday. Tickets are still available.
Ice Cream Hacks I can’t believe how much I love this. (Meanwhile: The ice cream sandwich cake reminded me of another classic cheat: ravioli lasagna.)
Another smart birthday party idea.
I’m a year late on this one, but these Fashion Icon Halloween costumes for kids cracked me up. (Anna Wintour!)
OMG, Malala!
Lastly, I had the great pleasure of hearing Lena Dunham read from her new book Not That Kind of Girl in Boston last week. At the end, when she and Mary Karr, who was interviewing her, took questions from the audience, someone asked, “I’m a second grade teacher and was wondering if you had any advice for inspiring girls, and for teaching them to be confident.” I can’t remember the first part of her answer, but eventually Dunham emphasized the need for girls, and women, to have each other’s backs, and demanded we go home and google “Shine Theory.” I did what I was told. Please read it if you haven’t already. It’s a good reminder for everyone, not just second-grade girls.
Jenny, another note: I read your blog because I’m interested in food topics, but the main reason I keep checking your blog is that I enjoy your writing–the tone, the wit, just the way you use words. Plus, my all-time favorite post–“How to Blog”. That post, along with the one by David Leibovitz on the same subject , is so informative, encouraging, altogether to the point. My kids are grown, I have grand-children, for God’s sake, I’m 74 years old, yet I truly enjoy reading your blog and am actually a fairly frequent commenter. Another observation I have is in response to “Anon” above and a few other commenters: your points are valid and interesting, but the reality is that Jenny writes mostly from what she knows and experiences. This is not a fiction writing blog! So, while she worked in the city full-time for years, that’s no longer the case. And, yes, she bases most of her food gathering at Trader Joe’s, Whole Foods, and Dan Barber’s Blue Hill/ Stone Barns and obviously is able to spend a considerable sum on high-quality ingredients, that’s what’s available to her, and I would do the same if these places existed in southern Vermont. (Bennington is actually designated as a “food desert”!) I do get somewhat annoyed at times, like when she posted that making tomato sauce is a vacation-only endeavor. Coming from a perspective where food security is a major issue for me, and many of my fellow citizens, Jenny’s worldview probably produces twinges of envy on my part, at times. I also don’t think that she presents her blog as the answer to all concerns (either the person employed full-time outside of the home like “Anon” or the income-challenged). Just read her “mission statement”. I think she does what she sets out to do and I congratulate her on her success. So, Jenny, I just hope that you continue doing what you do!
While, I’m only 25 and do not have children. I find your blog very approachable and your recipes easy enough for me when I was in college and working part-time. Also, thank you for sharing that article about the “Shine Theory.” I am an elementary teacher and will definitely be applying that concept to my classroom. Have a great weekend!
…..geez
That was a insider trading story
Missed making breakfast… Now it’s time for breakfast for lunch
Thanks for the link
…..geez
That was a long insider trading story
Missed making breakfast… Now it’s time for breakfast for lunch
Thanks for the link
So I’m going to admit that I don’t read every single post you put up (which actually makes me a little sad in the same way that I know I’ll never read every book at the library…) but from what I have read, both here and in your books, you are sharing the love – not shaming the non-cook. I tried to read that article in NYTimes, and her mood when she wrote it must have been FOUL because I got all tense just reading the first few paragraphs. She’s got a chip and you’re a well-known (and therefore, easy) target. Keep sharing the love, please. Those of us who love to cook and aspire to family dinners (once the bedtime for the shorties is later than 7, obviously) need the inspiration and encouragement! 🙂
Been reading you (and Andy) for years, ever since the article on counting hours to make sure that the parents come our ahead of the babysitter. Don’t think I’ve ever commented till today. Never, not once, did your (plural) tone strike me as condescending, precious or perscriptive. So given that she’s way off, I do wonder what brings about such a rant. There is something recognizable – the feeling of bitterness and failure coupled with a sense you shouldn’t have to feel that this is failure; and it is tied up deeply with motherhood. Anyway. It’s not you, it’s her – but I would still love to hear more of your thoughts on the subject.
Heffernan’s piece for the NYT has hit a nerve, and her frustration is clearly shared by many, mainly women. Whilst, on the one hand, you have families that struggle to put food on the table for whom all this talk of family time and getting the kids to eat widely is largely irrelevant, whose choices are reduced to eating or heating their home or clothing their kids, on the other hand are the parents who contend with pickiness, the drain on time and energy represented by children’s extracurriculars, and the pressure, albeit unspoken, to feed their kids well, a seemingly Herculean task in this age of ‘Mommy wars’, fuelled by endless books, blogs, and column inches. Of course all proclaim that perfection is neither realistic or desirable, with writers of said blogs duly paying lip service. But don’t we parents, deep down, really want our offspring to have it all? And in our eagerness to mould them into little connoisseurs in our own image, mightn’t we be overlooking the fact that children really just need simple fare, or that they actively crave the security of repetition and predictability? How ironic, then, that these children end up eating the very same, limited diet of nutrient poor, calorie dense white and orange foods as their lower income counterparts. Which is to say that, whilst MsHeffernan’s ire is something of a red herring in the grander scheme of things, she may have a point for that demographic of NYT readers who are unlikely to be troubled by genuine food poverty.
Jenny – I have been meaning to comment to you forever about how much I love your (totally NOT condescending) blog and books. You are so wonderful, approachable and I feel like you do “shine” on others….you make me laugh, feel better about myself and are a good reminder not to take it all too seriously.
You kept me company when I read your blog from the beginning while I was up nursing my newborn at night. Since then, your tip about getting sippy cups on the table first has changed my life…….funny what things stick in your head!
Most importantly, I hope you still love blogging and writing as much as we all love reading it!
@Anon: It’s a wonder you have time to read cookery blogs! I have friends, including teachers-TEACHERS!- who work similar hours, among them single mothers. I agree that blogs like this do not really address your particular requirements, and all I can say is that the majority of mums I know, working or not, cook a small repertoire of simple dishes. Their kids have grown up to be healthy, adventurous eaters who, crucially, appreciate the effort that goes onto ‘family dinner’. Go easy on yourself, blogs, like much of social media, don’t always represent the full reality!
Gosh, I think everyone has really covered it, but I had to add that condescending is a word that has never occurred to me concerning your writing. I’m someone who has always enjoyed cooking (does that mean I’m not a feminist anymore according to VH?) but have found your advice on picky eaters absolutely priceless.
We are starting the 30 Day challenge tonight with the kids’ full involvement; they’ve chosen all the meals, ordered them according to our schedule (nightmare sports nights etc), allowed for absolute will-not-try’s such as peas, got their scoring sheets ready, and got very excited about the small prizes if we finish it having tried every meal. Thank you!
And at least she likes your chicken 🙂
I found your blog (and your books) because of that whiny NY Times piece. I think I’m gonna like it here. I’m so sorry you got the blunt end of that stick. No matter how confident we might be or how grounded in our own work we are, getting trolled by the fricking NY Times is pretty much the definition of sucky. I wish you a speedy emotional recovery and, as necessary, wine, words and ice cream.
i too was shocked by the article! dals, of all blogs! As everyone else has already said, this woman clearly has food/jealousy/relationship issues, in addition to being to being an exceptionally poor judge of character.
At least she likes your food! Sounds to me like a whole lotta not your problem. As far as I’m concerned, you can keep cooking and writing; I’ll keep reading and eating.
(currently testing the vanilla pudding recipe to make with 30 2-year-olds tomorrow. wish me luck!)
What a nasty little article that was and, I suspect, more about her own issues with food than any perceived failings with cookbooks/blogs. And I really cannot bear women who call themselves feminists falling over themselves to kick other women just because they choose to cook/work/insert own verb differently to themselves.
You are doing a Good Thing. Never doubt it.
I just put the article down and was thinking of you, Jenny. Well, you and Andy, actually. The way you two tag team dinner, the blog, parenting is what’s always made DALS so fantastic to me. I think there is so much more to be said in the parenting space about equality between parents. But you guys are talking about it! All the time! When we interviewed you for our site a few years ago, you sent me an email asking – so sweetly! – if I would mind changing a phrase in the introduction to “helping moms” to “helping parents” for the very reason that you felt strongly about cooking being a shared responsibility.
Heffernan’s piece is meant to be comic and it is, in many ways. I do feel her pain over the drudgery of family meal making. And many pro-home cooking books, blogs, experts can be holier-than-thou. But not you guys. High Priestess, though? I’d keep that. xoC
Ana (above) wrote that cooking for our families no longer means what it did in the 1950s. I disagree. It means exactly the same thing: to nourish yourself and your family. But just about everything about it is different – from the small appliances most of us use (microwave and others), to the foods available to us and the way we cook them and finally to the fact that sitting down as a family to eat is far less common.
I grew up in the 50s and 60s and raised my own children in the 80s and 90s. I went through the lists of meals in Playbook and lists of quick weeknight meals on a few blogs. I didn’t find anything that I ate while growing up or that I fed my children.
Recently I read that today’s weeknight home cooking is more sophisticated, gourmet, and special occasion type dishes than in times gone by. The bar has been raised and we’re in a competition with ourselves. Whether or not we actually do it we feel a need to do better night after night.
Getting back to the family table is good, but maybe simpler meals is a good idea, too.
Sally–yes, good point about simplification. I would also add that I don’t think it’s a sustainable goal to cook a new meal Every Day. As a full-time employed outside of the home single divorced mother while I raised three daughters, I stumbled upon a solution that worked very well for us. We cooked together on the week-end, making double batches, roasting meats and veggies. From this abundance of food in the fridge, we made all kinds of delicious meals during the week. And, it was wonderful to always have food available, ready to re-heat or for making a sandwich. As for snacks or desserts, I bought a bushel of organic apples, right in the dining room or kitchen, from which you could eat all you wanted, no comment. No chips or store-bought cookies or crackers. We baked at home. I have wonderful memories centered around food: it’s growing, shopping for, preparation, and enjoying!
I am not writing this to be rude, but I do feel compelled to say that I think there is an underlying tone in your blog, and your writing, that basically says you think your kids are going to turn out better because you cook dinner almost every night. That is, frankly, annoying. Even though you try to offer genuine advice, I often will read your posts and my eyes start to roll. To give an example, you have sometimes written about how your daughters have long soccer games that don’t end until late, and yet you still have time to whip up a healthy dinner after you come home and have everyone eat together. Well, what if some families just stopped by the drive-thru and picked up McDonald’s for their kids after a game, for whatever reason, but ate that together as a family? You don’t come out and actually say it, but, to me, it does comes across as condescending to imply that you’re better because you managed to cook. And, as some others wrote, some parents are divorced, work long hours, or don’t have the means or education to cook for their families. I find that while I still have your site bookmarked among my favorites, the writing of other mom bloggers, such as Catherine Newman, Molly Wizenberg, and Alana Chernila, comes across as much more “real,” because it’s much more focused on larger issues around food and families that I find more interesting. I, too, live in the suburbs, work from home, and share the cooking responsibilities with a husband who likes to cook and is just as involved in our children’s lives as I am, but yet I would never in a million years tell anyone that cooking dinner for their kids is the be all, end all. I just don’t think it’s a great message to spew. Instead of reading, post after post, about how you managed to find time to cook, and how we should too, I’d be much more interested in reading about some not-so-great incidents or dilemmas your kids are going through, instead of how you managed to cook another family meal. Just my two cents — sorry.
Jenny and Andy,
Let me say that where I can see where Heffernan is coming from, her tone was off the mark. I printed off her article so that I could re read it. I love your blog and I have every book. I love the recipes that you two create and put up here on the blog, and I love the way they come across. I have NEVER once felt you were condescending in any way. I also have the “The Family Dinner” cookbook as well as “The Family Cooks” and “100 days of Real Food”. I love the recipes in all of these books. Does every one of the recipes that you, David and Leake put out work for my family? No. Do I make recipes from each one of these books? Yes. Do we sit down to dinner every night to a brand new meal? No. Are some of those meals a sandwich and chips some nights? Yes. Do you make me feel bad about that? No. Not everybody’s idea of how to get dinner on the table works for everyone. You need to pick and choose what works for you and capitalize on that. If that means that getting dinner on the table during the week at a decent time is a struggle, make every meal on the weekend and freeze them. That way all you have to do is pull it out the night before or the day of and heat it up. I have a coworker that does that and she swears by it. I don’t do that, but I love the idea. Anyway, please keep doing what you are doing, because I love your blog and I come visit it every day.
@NL: I wouldn’t let any insinuations, real or imagined, get to you. The food blogging world is really very, very small, good for occasional inspiration, but certainly to be taken with a healthy pinch of salt. Look at that other self styled (albeit tongue firmly in cheek) domestic goddess, Nigella. Much as I love her writing and recipes, recent revelations just go to show that even family dinner is no guarantee that things will come up rosy. Or, indeed, that much cooking even takes place at home!
You’re fabulous. She’s caustic and clearly dealing with some emotional issues. Hopefully she gets the attention she was looking for. And hopefully you will make something comforting and restoring while she dines on whatever bitterness she’s been accustomed to. Be well.
Jenny, I’ve never commented here before, but I wanted to say that love your recipes and your Bon Appetit articles! I think your writing is practical, accessible, and fun to read – pretty much the opposite of preachy and condescending. Thanks for continuing to share your stories and great ideas with all of us (even those who, like me, are generally silent).
Hi, Jenny –
I read the article today and needed to take a breather before responding. I’m really personally irritated by the tone that she took (it seems unwise to alienate all women + men who like to cook? no? just me?), but more then that, it seems like her article really goes against the point that she’s trying to make.
Some of the problems I had:
– don’t the kiddos have to eat? And that doesn’t seem to be in place because of the cookbooks, but rather, a constant. A need which will hopefully be solved by a parent. I don’t think that there’s an inherent gender bias to that need.
– that 3-D printer of a meal… it exists. Right? http://www.soylent.me/ The slogan is: never cook again.
– and the really difficult part for me is: feminism is all about that right to choose. The right to choose what kind of woman you want to be. Whether to have kids, who then need food. Whether or not you’re a cook. So to say (implicate?) that cooking family dinner essentially means becoming a subservient, thoughtless person is beyond ridiculous. Cooking doesn’t do that. Stupid editorials in the NYT might, though.
Your Friday Round-ups always send me into a long, but extremely enjoyable, online reading frenzy. Seriously, I clicked *just about* every link and read through happy that you shared!
As for the first portion: I don’t have much to say that hasn’t already been said. BUT, please keep writing and being you just as you are! I find every post delightful and inspiring, regardless of anyone’s take on the “right way” to be a parent.
@Laura: Heffernan’s point is simply that women like her, mothers who don’t enjoy cooking, feel pressure to do so in this age of competitive cooking and parenting, fuelled by a slew of books, blogs, and columns. Of course, she should just turn a blind eye to this media onslaught, and perhaps ask her own mum or a good friend how to deal with getting a quick, healthy meal on the table. But no, Heffernan herself belongs to that very group of chattering tastemakers, and as always, those that shout loudest get heard. Never mind that many low income families simply can’t afford decent food, or that single parents struggle daily to get anything on the table for their kids. Instead, the conversation that needs to take place about poor childhood nutrition gets hijacked by media folk like Heffernan, and here we are again, talking about picky kids, after school sports and feminism!