Dear Jenny,
Any insight on how to enjoy a restaurant meal with a three year old that doesn’t involve handing over the iPhone? The coloring book is kind of wearing off–and a few weeks ago my family went out for my bday dinner which kinda felt like a flush of $75 down the toilet because we spent most of the dinner telling her to stop standing up on the (red velvet) banquette and eavesdropping on nearby diners. I feel like if we were to hand over our phone, she would be so happily engaged, but then the seal would be broken, and she would ask for the phone all the time — not just at restaurants but anytime anywhere —  and whine for it, and then it would just become that process of saying no all the time. So in a way, I’d rather stay in or have the lame dinner with her than initiate a daily (hourly?) nagging moment, Can I play with your phone? What do you do? What do your readers do? Is it, as I imagine, a better investment of $150 to dine out and hire a sitter than drop $75 and bring the daughter?
Love,
Rory
Dear Rory,
I feel for you. I mean, what’s the point of going out to dinner if it means either a) being ignored by your children or b) yelling at them. Unlike many claims we’ve made about parenting before we actually became parents (my favorite: “We will never be a slave to the nap”) we’ve somehow managed to stick with a No-Electronics-at-the-Restaurant policy. In large part this was because early on we discovered that the attention span for one of those little Dover sticker books seemed to correlate almost exactly to the amount of time it takes for a plate of popcorn shrimp to be prepared. The books come in all themes — firehouse, zoo, airport, bakery — and for my daughters are almost like portable doll houses. I used to buy them by the bucket load and just kept one or two in my bag to pull out as needed. I have other friends who swear number puzzles (where kids match the number on the stickers to numbers on the grid to piece together a puzzle) do the job just as well. But either way, in my experience, the most important thing to remember when rolling out an activity in these kinds of situations is to make it a surprise. I always found that the novelty and the newness of the item is what buys us extra time. That and the imaginary goodwill I am convinced it fosters — Mom, you were so nice to get me a present that I think I’ll behave for the rest of the meal. (If anyone out there has a solution that doesn’t involve bribery, please enlighten.)
Now, I have yet to try these out on the pre-K segment of the population, but my guess is that many young diners would be thrilled to show up at the local Tex-Mex to find one of Marion Deuchars‘ placemats set before them. You know her, right? Well you probably know her even if you don’t know her. She’s the world-famous illustrator whose sketches and handwriting help give Jamie Oliver cookbooks so much of their warmth and homespun appeal. A few years ago, she delighted design nerds the world over when she entered the genre of the oversize, design-minded Doodle Books for kids. Well, anyway, we are all in luck because Deuchars’ latest book in this genre is geared towards the dining population and it’s called Let’s Make Great Placemat Art. To get an idea of how different and cool it is (no wordsearch and mazes here), check out a few samples below. Stick the pad in your bag before you go out to dinner (you can rip one off at a time) and I’m betting all the diners at the table end up happy.
I might also add that the book costs decidedly less than a babysitter.
Love,
Jenny
And
PS:  Marion Deuchars was nice enough to offer a free downloadable placemat exclusively to DALS readers. Give it a try and let me know how it goes.
PPS. I have some fun giveaways coming up on facebook, so be sure to follow me there if you want in on the action.
This is part of the School Year’s Resolution Series. Please click here for Resolution 1 (More Freezer Meals) and here for Resolution 2 (Master the Weekly Shop). And feel free to request some advice about your own resolutions — jenny AT dinneralovestory DOT com. If you have questions for Andy, just let me know and I will forward on to him.Â
Sometimes it’s useful to think about the restaurant experience in phases:
Phase one: waiting for food — this is the hardest for the little ones, who are hungry and don’t have practice from home (because typically you call them to the table when dinner is already done). Any distraction technique (whether electronic or paper or environmental) can be quite useful here. You also might consider calling in an appetizer on your way to the restaurant so it arrives soon after being seated. Something small so they don’t ruin their appetite (“ok, we get one shrimp each”).
Phase two: food and waiting for everyone to finish — this can be mitigated by drawing the kid’s part of the meal out with different courses (order apps in advance, ask the waitress to bring the kids meal in two phases — get a second plate and share your salad course). In restaurants they often make the mistake of bringing the child their entire meal right at the start, so they’re done quick and then bothersome and antsy while you are still dealing with the soup course. No electronics or toys, engage them in the discussion and expect good manners as a given.
Phase three — lingering. Chatting with coffee is so relaxing for adults and so stressful for kids. Make it easier for them to cope with by offering dessert and maybe a second small drink (milk steamers are special and calming too). This would obviously be predicated on them having behaved during the meal, but we usually modify the ‘eat everything to get dessert’ rule because restaurants sometimes just give too much food to make that fair or logical.
We also have a preference for family-owned delis and ethnic restaurants because they are more kid tolerant overall, but still have more interesting food than TGIFridays. Even if they don’t have kids’ menus, they will usually make up a small plate of something — not your usual beige platter of deep fried gunk.
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art? We use good old crayons and paper and conversation. Works much of the time. I do remember sneaking in snacks when my kids were really small. I do not use my iPhone at the table. I think that might help a bit as well.
“I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?”
What a great idea! A fingerprint art book is just about to be released too, looks good!
A box of bandaids, kept in a little bag saved for special restaurant time, is a great attention keeper. The kids always loved peeling back the paper, then the little tabs, then sticking them on to themselves….it lasts for a while and seems sort of special to be allowed to have bandaids when there is no boo-boo making things less fun. We also did the cooperative art drawing activity….”let’s take turns making a face” then mom or dad draws an eye, child draws what they want, back to mom or dad, etc. Collaborative art. Hopefully, all this, combined with snacking or soup, would pass the time.
We don’t eat out much but when we do it’s usually at restaurants that have an arcade. 🙂
“I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?”
My boys are 6 & 3. We rarely go out to eat so when we do they are excited. I feel like we are just coming into a new season where the kids will stay seated, my youngest doesn’t scream or cry. I always carry a small notebook and have pens and/or crayons in my purse. This usually works. I don’t like to let them use my phone for entertainment. I like to save that for trips to the grocery store with my three year old.
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
Any tips on how to handle my 73 year old mother who is by far the worst offender when it comes to iPhone etiquette? Subtle hints have not worked.
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
Love this post – already went to check out the little books on Amazon!
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
I totally agree about having surprise novelties. I pick up little things from the dollar section at Target and stash them in our bag until needed. Cheers!
when my kids were a little older (4 and up) I had a couple of very small games we often pulled out while waiting for dinner. Pass the Pigs is fun for a variety of ages and packs really small in a purse. We had a dice/chips game called “Left/Right/Center” for a while, and also a dice game a little like Yahtzee that was just the dice (can’t remember what it was called). Might get a little too enthusiastic for some restaurant venues, but the nice part is the games generally engage all of us around the table and help make a meal out special.
while i do not in any way condone using electronic devices in restaurants…let me just say that my nephew (now 28) was addicted to his gameboy when young. i remember cringing and shaking my head in dismay when his parents would let him play with it throughout a restaurant meal. he is now a very successful abstract painter – it didn’t stunt his creativity at all. he dines out with great manners, reads lots of books, etc. sometimes all of our worries are for naught, you know? if you had told me when he was 9 that he would be who he is now, making a living with his imagination, a world class traveler dining with famous artists on regular basis, i would not have believed you! he also now hates tv. go figure.
I read your newsletter. Do I win Placemat Art?
Ps I love your blog, your books, and especially the photos! And the cocktails! We drank Dark and Stormies on our last family trip and it was thanks to you!
We have two girls, 6 & 2, and I keep a special bag in the closet called The Restaurant Bag. I’ve collected items for the years and I switch up the bag once in a while so it’s fresh and novel. The items include special coloring books (ie: the Barbie book that is only for restaurants), magnetic boards, reusuable sticker kits, special marker bags (those Crayola fip-top were the best because we never had to climb on the gross floor for a marker cap), reading books that only come out at restaurants, tiny toy telephones (that can’t be heard by other diners), small stencils and finger puppets (which we all tell part of a story). Obviously, I don’t carry ALL this stuff but I try to switch it up make sure we’re prepared enough so we don’t have to pull out an iphone.
Like the other reader stated, we’ve come to recognize that dinner with the girls is a little more work because we have to constantly interact rather than relax on a date night. The joy is that you are taking the time to interact with your kids. But, all this work is just like other parenting work and you’re helping your kids grow and learn manners in a restaurant.
Btw, my goodies also double for the airplane. And I ALWAYS bring 3 small items wrapped in tissue that they get to open once the tray tables can be put down.
That sounds like a great resolution. I was at restaurant in Seoul the other day and this couple was on a date, yet both of them were on their smartphones… hmm…so romantic.
Just ordered this placemat art book for my god-daughter! What a fun idea. Thanks!
Hi,
I’m coming late to this conversation, but I’ve just discovered your site – and I think it’s wonderful. What a great job you’ve done, Jenny!
Having raised two active boys into their late teens, I’ve had tons of experience in restaurants and feel for you younger gals juggling the little ones and the stress that can arise sometimes in those situations. All the work you put into them now will pay off a thousand fold later!
I do not say any of this to brag in any way, I’m just very satisfied that we followed good advice we were given as new parents and we now have two young gentlemen who have the confidence of knowing how to behave in public situations.
Firstly, we would go out to dinner early. Having a child wait for 60-90 minutes before dinner makes for a disaster of an evening. All these activities are wonderful, especially sticker books! A quiet casual stroll around the restaurant helps enormously and also opens your child’s eyes to what goes on there.
When your kid acts like a cretin, do not ever hesitate to haul his or her behind out of the restaurant. You won’t have to do it many times, trust me. One obnoxious three year old can ruin a lovely evening for many, but being tucked under Dad’s arm and quickly removed to the parking lot for a few minutes usually sets their priorities straight. We rarely had to do it because it worked so well. (And the same goes for church, too!) We have had many folks over the years compliment us on the behavior of the boys. And twice, we had a hostess and another diner thank us for having the guts to discipline our kids.
My kids are very far from perfect (the apple doesn’t fall far from the tree, LOL) and have tested us a million times over the years. The restaurant situation feels like a parenting test – with an audience! Some people feel that you’re stifling your child if you don’t let them run around. Not true! There’s a time and place for it and dinner hour isn’t one of them. You’re equipping your child with the behavioral skills he/she needs for success in many situations, not just dining out.
Good luck to my fellow moms and keep up the good work!