What I’m reading this week:
What if You Just Hate to Cook Dinner? Virginia Heffernan, mother of two, poses the question “Why is food such a big part of raising children?” then proceeds to discuss the condescending language in family cookbooks, including mine. I have a fair amount I’d like to say about this essay, but for now, I’m going to do my mom proud and save it for the burn book I keep in the back of my sock drawer. I do feel the need, however, to address two things that I simply can not let pass. FIRST: The suggestion that I have ever implied, in my books or on this blog, that family dinner should fall entirely on moms. Wow. Where do I begin with this one? Maybe with the 100+ posts my husband has written for this blog, all of which address his day-to-day dinner-making for our daughters, from the post-soccer-practice scramble, to Friday-night Stromboli to his Pork Ragu recipe that people bring up with me over and over again, including, last month, someone sitting next to me on a plane who I had never met before. (People, it’s that good.) I guess I could also point to the “Family Dinner Boot Camp” series I did for Motherlode, the theme of which could be summarized as: “All in.” From the beginning, this blog has been about a return to the kitchen that involves everyone, including the kids who may or may not remember to set the table. If you find joy in making dinner, then you should make it yourself. If you need help from others, then you should include others. If others need help from you, then you should help. If you hate cooking, then dump a can of beans on toast (Andy’s post, btw), serve with some baby carrots and call it a day. There is no one way to do this – every family is different, every situation is different, and I try my best to recognize and respect that. SECOND: I believe deeply in the idea that nobody should be made to feel bad about the way he or she approaches family dinner — or whether they can pull it off at all. I do this blog because I enjoy cooking, and I enjoy helping people who want to make it happen. If my tone here ever makes anyone feel anxious or guilty or less-than, if I ever sound condescending, then I’m failing in what I’m trying to accomplish, and you guys need to let me know about it. I take this kind of criticism seriously, and I rely on you to keep me honest. Anyway, give it a read and let me know what you think.
The bottom line is, you can assume I agree with Luisa and Katie.
Onward! What else:
Abby, my almost 11-year-old, is absolutely tearing through this book right now.
100 Rules of Dinner Re-posting. Just cause.
Is there anything better than when Catherine Newman “thinks out loud?”
“Inside the Biggest Ever Hedge Fund Scandal” A profile of Steven A. Cohen that reads like a John Grisham novel.
Locals: Stone Barns Center still has a few slots open in their Little Cooks and Gardener’s Program. My girls did one of these a while ago and we’ve been dining out on the buttermilk ranch dressing they learned to make there ever since.
Masterchef Junior Season 2 The DVR is already set.
Grain Bowls: I could eat like this every day.
How do you raise kids who are The Opposite of Spoiled? I intend to find out.
Cooking Fast and Slow: A conversation between Mark Bittman and Mario Batali at the 92nd St Y this Sunday. Tickets are still available.
Ice Cream Hacks I can’t believe how much I love this. (Meanwhile: The ice cream sandwich cake reminded me of another classic cheat: ravioli lasagna.)
Another smart birthday party idea.
I’m a year late on this one, but these Fashion Icon Halloween costumes for kids cracked me up. (Anna Wintour!)
OMG, Malala!
Lastly, I had the great pleasure of hearing Lena Dunham read from her new book Not That Kind of Girl in Boston last week. At the end, when she and Mary Karr, who was interviewing her, took questions from the audience, someone asked, “I’m a second grade teacher and was wondering if you had any advice for inspiring girls, and for teaching them to be confident.” I can’t remember the first part of her answer, but eventually Dunham emphasized the need for girls, and women, to have each other’s backs, and demanded we go home and google “Shine Theory.” I did what I was told. Please read it if you haven’t already. It’s a good reminder for everyone, not just second-grade girls.
Hi, that article was awful. Allow me to paste the quote I left on the NYT site. (I apologize for the, um, candor of my comment – but I thought her article was really unfair and wanted to make that clear. “Give me a break. You don’t like to cook. I get it. I also get that you’re trying to be humorous. But talk about condescending. You could at least be accurate and fair when dumping all over people who are just trying to get through one of the many chores we all face as we wade through parenting and life. I enjoy cooking and meal planning. Guess what? I’m a real feminist, too. (And yes, my husband helps. He likes to cook, too.) Different strokes, different folks. I’m also regular reader of the Dinner: A Love Story blog and I’ve never found it to be anything but warm, encouraging and pragmatic on the subject of family dinner. Not arrogant, not condescending. Not sexist – her husband regularly contributes and shares in the cooking duties, too. The point is not the cooking. It’s putting aside the some time, every day, to sit with your family – over a home-cooked meal or a meal out of the freezer or a pizza or, perish the thought, takeout (yes, they do takeout in Jenny’s house). The only condescension I’m sensing is wafting from this direction. Maybe your real issue is with the division of labor in your own home. Take it up with your spouse and stop lambasting a genuinely positive, kind person who’s done a lot to make the evening cooking hour a little more sane. If she publishes a book in the process or makes some money out of her ideas, then good for her. Let’s save the derision for people who actually harm the world for the sake of a buck.”
Hi, that article was awful. Allow me to paste the quote I left on the NYT site. (I apologize for the, um, candor of my comment – but I thought her article was really unfair and wanted to make that clear.) “Give me a break. You don’t like to cook. I get it. I also get that you’re trying to be humorous. But talk about condescending. You could at least be accurate and fair when dumping all over people who are just trying to get through one of the many chores we all face as we wade through parenting and life. I enjoy cooking and meal planning. Guess what? I’m a real feminist, too. (And yes, my husband helps. He likes to cook, too.) Different strokes, different folks. I’m also regular reader of the Dinner: A Love Story blog and I’ve never found it to be anything but warm, encouraging and pragmatic on the subject of family dinner. Not arrogant, not condescending. Not sexist – her husband regularly contributes and shares in the cooking duties, too. The point is not the cooking. It’s putting aside the some time, every day, to sit with your family – over a home-cooked meal or a meal out of the freezer or a pizza or, perish the thought, takeout (yes, they do takeout in Jenny’s house). The only condescension I’m sensing is wafting from this direction. Maybe your real issue is with the division of labor in your own home. Take it up with your spouse and stop lambasting a genuinely positive, kind person who’s done a lot to make the evening cooking hour a little more sane. If she publishes a book in the process or makes some money out of her ideas, then good for her. Let’s save the derision for people who actually harm the world for the sake of a buck.”
The article was sneering and ridiculous. I work full time outside the home and have twins, who are five, and figuring out how to feed them well and sometimes expediently, teaching them to love food and look forward to dinner, which at 5 years old they do (when I tell them it’s ready they actually leap up from whatever they’re doing and race to the table), took a while, and you (through your blog and your book) were incredibly helpful and encouraging and non-judgmental. Food and nutrition are important. It’s not a contest, it’s about their health, chronic disease, the environment, pleasure, love — it’s so complicated and essential. I really am incandescent at that dismissive and ugly story. Sometimes the best we can do is a frozen pizza or scrambled eggs, and I never feel guilty about it. I’m doing my best, so is my husband, who also ranges from hot dogs to more complicated things depending on the time and resources we have at the moment. I welcome truly critical pieces or essays or reviews, things that, even if pointing out some flaws or a blind spot have something interesting or provocative to say. I hate these kinds of made up stories that really are just tantrums about the author’s personal ish. Enraging.
I don’t get it. Maybe the author would dislike cooking and making dinner less if she didn’t wait until 5-freaking-o’clock to figure out what to make. I hate making dinner when I do that too: that’s the entire point (or part of the point at least) of all of these new family cookbooks: to help you get it together before everyone is cranky and starving. Like another commenter said: your kids (and you!) need to eat dinner, you can make it be enjoyable for everyone involved, or I guess you can choose to be bitter and rage about it in the NYT.
Ew. She took a lame premise and retrofit your and others’ words to support it. I could have done a better job of writing that, and I don’t get paid to write- let alone paid by the NYT. If you are steamed by this you have every right to be.
Oh Jeez, Jenny. This makes me sad. If anyone has ever thought that you were being condescending or putting dinner making on only mothers…they clearly have not read your blog. Haters always gonna hate. If cooking dinner isn’t important to someone, which they are totally entitled to feel, then don’t pick up cookbooks or read food blogs.
You are not condescending. When I first read that article, I thought she was being a little sarcastic to be honest, kind of poking fun at herself for her own perceived inadequacy. I think people who don’t like to cook don’t read cooking blogs or cookbooks all that much anyway. And that is fine. I think your blog clearly is geared towards either people who like to cook or are interested in gathering new ideas for how to improve their own skills, or make things a bit smoother for their families if family dinner is what they seek. Don’t sweat it – your readers are the proof.
Cooking almost seems to have become the hot button issue that smoking was/is. People who like to cook and who want to cook are always going to believe it’s the best thing to do (like not smoking). Those who don’t want to cook or who dislike cooking are probably always going to belittle those who do like it and are going to claim that they feel persecuted by those who do cook (like smokers – or at least like the people I know who smoke).
I couldn’t believe how intentionally dense and downright mean so many of the comments were on your Motherlode week. There just doesn’t seem to be any middle ground on the issue of family dinner.
If I were a betting woman (which I am), I would bet the bank this woman has an eating disorder or struggles with her food relationship. The venomous way she describes her disconnection with food and food writers seals the deal for me. I know so many women like this. Instead of confessing to their food issues they attempt to tear down those who are trying, sometimes succeeding sometimes not, to get a relatively healthy meal on the table. She completely missed the premiss of Dinner a Love Story regarding have the family around the table. She should use her Harvard education to research the profound positive effects of sitting around a dinner table with your family instead of personally bashing those who are trying to help all of us achieve the food/dinner balance.
Keep up the great work Jenny (Andy). I have always been a fan.
Also wanted to share this great quote by T. Roosevelt. I think is sums it up about critics and haters:
“It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory nor defeat.”
― Theodore Roosevelt
You’re awesome. The book(s) are awesome. The blog is awesome. Your approach is awesome. My two-working-parents, two-kids-under-four family loves everything about what you stand for. Let the haters hate. Now go have a glass of wine.
I love how you and Andy love food and family meals! Your tone is always upbeat and real. Don’t doubt yourself, you inspire and encourage so many people.
Reading Heffernan’s article actually made me feel yucky. It started out ok. I mean “why can’t I just crack open a half-dozen Clif bars and keep playing with my children?”… That’s kind of funny. And I can relate. But then it just got really ugly, mean and totally off base. “I like not working and having no opinions and being everyone’s handmaiden.” What is that about? It’s hard being a stay at home parent; it’s hard being a working parent; it’s hard being the one who rallies and makes dinner only to have a cacophony of divergent opinions flung back at the cook… That’s why we need the cheerleaders -who aren’t telling us not to trust ourselves but who are telling us it’s worth it.
I love how this piece triggered everyone inner Taylor Swift.
Jenny, you should have your kids make you an all-purpose “haters gonna hate” playlist. Might be nice for blasting while you cook/work out/condescend .
I read that NYT article and was really shocked that something so hateful was actually published. I tried to write it off as a poor attempt at humor but the line equating liking to cook with having no opinions and being everyone’s handmaiden made me feel a bit sick. The poor woman obviously has some real insecurities that have nothing to do with you or your wonderful blog (or food, for that matter). I sincerely doubt she has even read much here as she has obviously missed the point by a mile.
Please don’t let this vitriolic mess get to you. I love reading your blog and have never found your tone, nor Andy’s, condescending in the slightest.
Ugh. That is all I could think as I waded through that NYT article. You are anything but condescending in your blog and your books, I hope you know that. This is an angry person trying to be funny (it’s not funny).
The truth of the matter is that meals need to be prepared/planned for, every day, three times a day, for forever. You can detest it all you like but it still needs to be done and when you have kids, the same needs to be done for them. So, the best we can all hope for is some guidance on how to get it done efficinetly and enjoy it as much as possible along the way. Your awesome insight helps us to do both and for that, I’m forever grateful.
Finding your blog and your cookbooks has been so inspiring for me. Thank you, thank you, thank you! Please completely ignore that woman and her essay and keep on doing what you’re doing. It’s making a difference so don’t lose your battle cry! Dinner matters!
Bravo to you. Your tone is never condescending or preachy. It’s a way for people who like to cook or want to cook to have a good time, feel more confident and get good suggestions. I found HER article preachy and condescending. I also hated that she seemed to equate women’s love of cooking with a desire to return to the 19th century. I say if she wants to defrost its fine with me. Not everyone likes to cook. But don’t put us down because we do. What a jerk. Also, this tag of your book should send sales soaring! Good luck!
I think you need a t-shirt that says “The High Priestess of Family Cooking”.
This is awesome!
Haven’t read the article (and I’m not sure if it’s worth my time) but I love your website, love your books. And I don’t know, I just get the feeling that other people feel bad about their own selves and need to take it out on everyone else. haters gonna hate.
To me, I feel like it was one of those scenarios where a person doesn’t identify, so they feel that means they are being attacked. You know?
You aren’t writing for the person who has no desire to begin a relationship with cooking. You aren’t saying that’s bad. To me, you tell the person who really WANTS that, “You can do this. If you want it, you can. Do this.” I’m not exaggerating when I say that reading the “DALS” cookbook and your blog, and finally learning to cook, was a big help in digging me out of my depression. For whatever reason, it all seemed like so. darn. much…to plan, to actually do the work…Then, I read from you, and it was like a friend, giving me a pat on the back, teaching me how to figure it out. I’m sure that sounds quite cheesy, but it’s the truth!
And now, here I am, loving my time in the kitchen.
Dear High Priestess of Family Cooking,
Sorry, need to regroup before I continue because I’m laughing too hard. That is a ridiculous article. You are not condescending. I appreciate your positive, you can do this tone very, very much. It’s totally fine with me if VH doesn’t like cooking (although I humbly suggest she should spend less time obsessing about it if that is the case). I like cooking and I love your website because it fills my dinner roster with new and wonderful entries, many of which become keepers, on a constant basis. My family is glad you are writing your blogs and books!
I did not agree with her at all! Your book is my most popular gift, because it is not condescending. I am also a defroster, and I know that you do not care or are trying to change me.
Hasn’t she written this piece before, btw?
Jenny, let me first say I love your blog – both your writing and your recipes. However, unlike many of the commenters above (whose opinions I completely respect) I actually don’t always like to cook…in fact, sometimes I hate it, like the title of the article says. I feel overwhelmed at around 5pm too, with the stress and pressure of making a meal (or in my family’s case, several meals) that will be eaten with relatively little complaint.
Sounds grim, right? But your blog HELPS me figure it out. I’ve never felt like you condescend to your readers at all. I am grateful for your down to earth tone and your approachable and delicious (!) recipes.
Yet I do understand Virginia’s dinner angst and struggle (even if I don’t agree with exactly how she expresses it) because it feels like everywhere you look – on and offline – there are people expressing how important it is to home cook for your family from scratch, if possible. Not to mention all the advice about WHAT to cook and what not to cook. If I hear about one more book about how French kids eat so much better than American kids, I’m going to throw a snail at someone. Yeah, my kids eat hot dogs and chicken fingers sometimes, so shoot me! 🙂
Well, I’ve gone on long enough, but I hope I’ve made it clear that I am a genuine fan of your site. Thank you for all that you do.
-Dana