The first trick of family dinner is getting the family together. We try to eat around the same time each night, and at the same place (around our dining room table). I think consistency is key. Kids don’t eat at the kitchen counter, or up in their rooms. Even if you aren’t hungry, you still join the family at the dinner table.
This was a phrase my mother invented, and she used it often at our dinner table when I was growing up. Dinner time is sacred, and only nice things are said at the table. You may want to remind your son to clean up his room, but wait until after dinner. Siblings don’t bicker, parents don’t lecture. The table is a safe place.
For adults this means: No newspapers. No magazines. No phones. No laptops, etc. For kids: No legos or other toys. No books. No homework. If the phone rings, just let it ring. (This rule is sometimes harder for
the adults than the children!)
We use our best manners at the table. We say please and thank you. We ask for things instead of just grabbing them. Dinnertime is the perfect place to teach children the correct way to behave at meals, in fact my
mom used to read us a page from Miss Manners during dinner each night.
Granted this may not be necessary if you don’t have small children, but all four on the floor refers to the legs of your chair: All four legs need to remain on the floor at all times. It’s hard to have a conversation with someone who is rocking back and forth as they eat (and my kids need to be reminded a few times each meal).
So you don’t like broccoli, that’s okay. Forcing kids to eat food they hate is a game I don’t enjoy playing. But we do ask our kids to try a bit of everything on the table, it can just be a bite or two. I want them to learn to be polite about food, and learn to try things that seem a little scary.
The dinner table is a great place to talk about all the busy details of your day, but not the place to YELL about it. We need to remind our 5-year-old Bee about this quite frequently, as she often has exciting news to report. We’re all for talking, but it needs to be with a quiet voice.
One of the requirements of dinner at our house is “High and Low”. We take a minute to go around the table and everyone shares their high point and low point of the day. I love hearing about the kids high points, but the low points are even more interesting.. they share things I sometimes wouldn’t hear about any other way. Often someone doesn’t have a low point to share, in that case, you share two high points.
It’s hard to spend an hour making dinner and then hear a chorus of “But I don’t like shrimp!” I try to make dinners I know my kids will want to eat, but I also like to try new things, which means that every once in a while, dinner is a flop. We’re trying to teach our kids to be kind to the person who made dinner, so we ask them to keep quiet, eat the things they like at the table, and if they’re still hungry after dinner they can grab a slice of bread or some fruit to hold them over until breakfast.
The person who cooks is never left alone to clean up. The kids clear their plates as they leave the table, and everyone grabs a few more things and takes them into the kitchen. Lately we’ve been trying to wash the dishes really quickly so we have time for a walk around the neighborhood after dinner. Good motivation to get dinner cleaned up so we can get out the door.
Do you have rules at your house for dinner? I’d love to hear them, so please share.
I want the poster too!
I, too, was a bit skeptical about “rules” for the table. SO many rules these days! But I loved all of these. I got such a warm and peaceful image of this family having dinner and it made me long for the same. We have a “discriminating” eater (he’s 7) and some of my most challenging mama moments are in response to, “I don’t like this!”
Sweet, sweet. Great post!
When we decided we were having children, we always intended having us eat dinner together as often as possible. We actually have some of the same rules you have listed but didn’t have the “Table is a Safe Place”. We’re definitely going to adopt that.
What a wonderful posting – Thank you!
Our children are now 22, 20, 15 and 6 (!) and we always gather together around the kitchen island, with the wonderful smells and sights, hold hands, and say “Thank you” to God in a prayer, as a reminder that He is the giver of all good gifts!
The follow up “rule” is that the child who is willing to voice the prayer (from the heart, no rote prayers!) gets to fill their plate first!
just found you! love it all…huge believer in the family table…it could possibly save the world!
thanx!
http://www.durangomom.com
Love these rules! Well, all but #6. From working with families of picky eaters I’ve seen that the 1 bite rule works for some kids, but for others it makes their picky eating worse. For those kids a revised version of this rule works well – 1 bit of each food needs to be present on their plate . They can choose to try it or not (that way 1 day they’ll try it on their own). What I have found works for all kids is that they must be allowed to stop at 1 bite (no “come on, try another bite” ) and they have to be allowed not to like it (no “see it’s not that bad”). Because, if they aren’t allowed to stop at 1 bite, or allowed to not like a food, they’ll become more and more resistant to trying that 1 bite.
Kristen
http://www.facebook.com/VitaminKNutritionConsulting
I totally agree with you on the importance of coming together at the dinner table every night to just reconnect with each other. I especailly love the rule “all four on the floor”!
Love these rules!
These are awesome! We follow many of them already but I’m tempted to print out this post (and the adorable graphics) and suggest the rest. Especially love the “high and low” – genius!!
The fact that you refer to the moment of sitting down together as your favorite has me sold on these already. I’m printing them to share with my husband so we can start to model these “rules” in our house too. Awesome!
What a wonderful post!! We have the same rules at our house -all of them!! Maybe we should frame them 🙂
I especially like the “all four on the floor” because it sounds so much better than “put your chair down before you crack your head open.”
Growing up, we also had the rule that everyone eats together. No matter what! (I remember being a teenager and hating this rule! I always had to be home for dinner, unlike so many of my friends.) My mom always asked the five of us kids to say one thing that we did that day and one thing that we learned. It made for interesting dinner discussions when you have five kids spaced out over ten years. The oldest might have learned about algebra, and the youngest might have learned out to tie his shoe! 🙂
x Courtney
These are great! Before our son was born, my husband and I pretty much brain drained (catching up on DVR, facebook, Google reader, etc.) while eating dinner. Our son will be one soon and I have been making an effort to try to get us to eat as a family, no distractions.
I’m going to try some of your rules and also try to keep our dinner table clear of clutter. I think that will help set the tone for a good family dinner!
Love #6. My dad always called it a “No Thank You Helping” – and as a kid I couldn’t stand it. But as things go, I now require the “No Thank You Helping” at our table. It has broadened their little taste buds and resulted in pleasant surprises. Hooray for wise parents!!
In the 17 years since we first moved in together my partner and I have tried very hard to make our friends really feel like guests when they visit and eat with us. Once several years ago we included some co-workers, and one girls wandered into the kitchen and started to rinse the glass from her coke and pour a little wine. I took it from her and explained, “This is not a frat house pizza party. You’re a guest in my home. I want you to feel comfortable but I want to take care of you. I’ll get you some wine. And in a proper glass, too.”. I always try to remember that the joy of family is sharing the work and the joy of having company is relieving them from it.
two of our rules
“set for the occasion”
set the table completely and neatly. from cutlery to beverages, from rustic to fine, we set the table. tablecloths don’t need to be an exception but a staple.
“equality for all”
even the smallest muncher at our table drinks from glass and eats from silverware. I don’t know about you, but my sparkling water doesn’t taste so good in a plastic cup.
These are awesome. I printed them out, read them to the kids, discussed them, and they were passed unanimously. One small problem – today my daughter learned about fire safety in her preschool class and asked my wife where we go if there’s a fire. My wife told her that we’d go to a neighbor’s house and call the fire department. My daughter replies, “Let’s just go to the dining room table. Remember, it’s a safe place.”
Ah, this post is very meaningful to me. I wrote a similar post about Table Time and the positive experiences and habits that come from eating diners together as a family. We have Roses and Thorns which is very similar to your Highs and Lows. We also have themed nights so the kids get excited about actually eating dinner. For example, Wednesday nights are Breakfast for Dinner nights. You’d be amazed at how excited the kids can get when eating pancakes and yogurt for dinner.
Family meals are my fondest memories. We had similar rules. I think meal time is such an important time to connect as a family.
Lovely post. Thank you!
this list ROCKS.
and while we follow much of it already, the no media at the table’s going to be tough — what, no New York Times?! i’ll work on it; all toward a good cause…
Ha, ha! Dave, I laughed out loud when I read that your daughter thinks the dinner table is the safest place in a fire. I love it! Thanks for sharing..
LOVE this! My husband and I have 3 and 1 year old boys. We are slowly starting on our dinner traditions. I will say right now the no distractions one is hard for us (me). Anyway, I’m going to share your list with my husband.
Right now our rules are: stay at the table while everyone is eating, take your plate to the sink when you’re done, use your napkin, say please and thank you.
I found you from your dad’s blog. LOVE his blog too!
I recently stumbled upon your ROD post from another blog (Cup of Jo), and your “Highs/Lows” are a big hit in my house now. We have two girls (6 and 8) and they look forward to this. I was particularly taken with the rule that dinnertime is a safe place. I shouldn’t think of it as an opportunity for a captive audience.
Thank you for these wonderful tidbits 🙂
Just found your site via DALS. Love it, especially this post. It nice to see families getting back to family dinner and table manners. This is pretty close to my rules, although I will be adding the “compliments only to the chef”. We do favorite part of the day too – I like the idea of adding the low part of the day. It is a great way to find out everything that is going on in their day. I also have taught my kids that you do not say “I don’t like something” you say “I do not prefer it” I feel it sounds a little more polite and they are more aware of not hurting someone’s feeling who spent the day slaving away at a stove.
I wanted to let you know that this is still a huge hit at our house with all the kids. My 4-year-old daughter is always saying, “I forgot one of the rules, can you read them again?” She just wants to hear them… thanks again!!!
For those worried about giving up their distractions — the conversations become much more interesting than the distractions quite quickly!
AND — nobody takes an hour to eat dinner on a regular basis! From everyone sitting to everyone done, it’s about 20 mins. {{The long meals are on holidays in our family. Lately they’ve lasted for several hours – of course the youngest are almost 19.}}
If the concept doesn’t convince enough already, studies show that children and teens who eat as a family score significantly higher on SATs. Only the act of eating together was required; the topics of conversation had no impact.